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Trump State of the Union Bingo

Posted: January 30th, 2018 | Author:

Well, it’s that time… The State of the Union by the ol’ articulate “genius”, President Trump.

Break out the shot glasses, the bowls, joints, or whatever you prefer to consume in an entertaining race away from sobriety.

Play some SOTU Bingo. Pace yourselves.














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Asshawk of the Month May 2013

Posted: May 17th, 2013 | Author:

Abercrombie & Douche

Abercrombie & Fitch’s CEO Mike Jeffries is almost as douchey as their products. 7-years ago, he stated some pretty offensive comments regarding their marketing strategy. Simply, Abercrombie doesn’t make plus sizes in their clothes, because they do not want “fat” people wearing and representing their brand. He also hinted that only “cool” people wear Abercrombie & Fitch, so they try to make it accessible to these “cool” people. This extends into their practices of burning their lightly damaged products (seconds) instead of donating them like many other clothing brands do.

Your brand is crap, your clothes are lack luster and mundane, the ideology and image you represent is impractical and unnatural, just like your face.

Come on Mike… take a look at yourself. You’re not Mr. Glamourous you botoxed-up, plasticized freak. Sure, you may fit in your clothes, but the only piece of attire that would enhance your appearance would be a mask. Do you guys make those? On a positive note, you might have a future opportunity in a remake of The Goonies.


Who needs gun control or nuke control?

Posted: April 9th, 2013 | Author:

The whole gun control fight has been plastering the media lately. Some feel these regulations may improve on the unfortunate violent incidents this nation has faced lately, while gun advocates are getting pissed fearing an infringement of their 2nd Amendment right.


Both sides have the right to express their opinions on this subject. I’m not saying that stricter regulations are the solution, nor am I saying everyone should be able to have easy access to any gun they desire.

Potential Factors

This goes beyond just gun control though, as there are a multitude of areas that are contributing factors, from mental health, religious radicalism, international and domestic terrorism, gang violence, and poor education.

Mental health is an area that is not only overlooked, but it very challenging to address and mandate. You can’t just put anyone who is “accused” or “assumed” of being crazy in an asylum. It takes a lot of time, money, and resources to evaluate mental health and make informative decisions and diagnosis. But, if there was a pre-screening process in place, it could reveal warning signs like mental health concerns.

Rights with Regulations

As a nation, we do have strict regulations in other areas of society, such as who can drive an automobile, pharmaceutical purchases (Pseudoephedrine), who can practice services in certain fields like medicine, the food and drug industry (although corrupted), abortion, alcohol, and the list goes on and on.

Sure, some of those are not Constitutional rights, but the right to make and sell alcohol in the United States actually is the 18th amendment. And guess what, do you know what is required for an establishment to serve and sell alcohol? A liquor license. Do you know what is required for a brewery or distillery in order to make alcohol? Government approval and permits. But that is making and selling, what about buying?

On the other end of selling, the U.S. has a minimum age requirement of twenty one years for an individual to purchase alcohol. Yes, I now that you’re probably saying that buying alcohol is not really what the amendment is stating. It is not the same as the 2nd amendment. It was an that amendment that came about after prohibition addressing the laws that were in place prohibiting the making and selling of alcohol. But again, if you’re making and selling, there is likely the other end of that being the purchasing of, and that is what I am getting at here.

Gun manufacturers will likely make and sell pretty much whatever they want (they do have some limits they need to stay within). But, why has there not been regulation in place for purchasing of them? Sure, we have the seven day waiting period for a background check, but that is only applicable at a gun retailer. You can bypass this simple and minuscule obstacle by purchasing guns at a gun show; which there are plenty to choose from across the nation.

In addition to the regulations around Amendment 18, there are regulations with the 1st Amendment. Look at “the right to assemble and petition the government,” you can do so, but with proper planning, permits and approval. These considerations should be applied to the 2nd as well without denying the entire right.

So, why is it a problem to apply tighter regulations on who can purchase a gun?

Well, for one it won’t solve the issue immediately or entirely, but it still would likely have some impact on those individuals who probably do not “qualify” to own a gun. even making a small dent on inappropriate gun ownership is better than nothing.

Another thing is that the black-market will always live to provide accessibility to weapons to those who do not pass the government processes. However, attempting to purchase firearms on the black market does add an obstacle that could help reduce the amount of guns that end up in the wrong hands. It is a bit more inconvenient than simply going to the local Wal-Mart and stocking up.

Other Things Kill People Too

I often hear gun advocates arguing that there are many other things in the world that kill people and there is no action to ban them, such as automobiles, airplanes, knives, etc. This is idiotic and a weak argument. Comparing guns with cars, knives or even cigarettes and planes is simply a poor metaphor. Yes, they all have had a role in the deaths of people, but there is a big difference of a direct and indirect relationship to death.

Automobile accidents that have killed people are simply that, accidents. Automobiles were invented and intended for an efficient means of transportation, not as a weapon.

Knives were originally used as a tool to cut things and for hunting prior to being used as a weapon for self defense against another human.

Even bows & arrows, and spears were invented as hunting tools before being used as a weapon towards other humans.

Yes, there are instances where the items noted above have been used purposely as weapons to kill people, but that was not their original purpose.

The gun however, was originally invented for its primary purpose which was to kill other humans efficiently during warfare. Our history currently credits China for inventing the first firearm back in the 13th century. Guns are weapons rooted with a lethal intent upon other people, like a guillotine.

Unlike other common weapons, they were used for hunting only after being created for killing people. Today, they do have many uses outside of warfare from hunting, sports & recreation, self-defense. I’ll admit, several of those uses are enjoyable and non-violent towards humans, but unfortunately you cannot ensure the proper usage with anything.


We also have laws in place that prevent the government from conducting studies on gun violence. It is difficult to devise solutions to a problem that cannot be researched legally. Pretty interesting part of society to prevent studies on. If that doesn’t highlight the influence of the gun industry in government, then I’m not sure what would.

You can look at other countries around the world and see the failures and successes of their policies.

Australia is one of those who have been very successful. In 1996, the National Firearms Agreement stated, “People who possess or use a firearm must have a firearms licence. Owners must be at least 18 years of age and have secure storage for their firearms.” This was enacted after the Port Arthur shooting in 1996 where 35 people died in a mass shooting. Since then, gun violence has severely dropped in Australia.

There are still plenty of guns in Australia, there is just more monitoring and regulation for purchasing and owning them.


The Right to Bear Nuclear Arms?

These are our rights in the U.S. If you feel so strongly that there shouldn’t be any stricter regulations or control on guns, then shouldn’t this be a philosophy applied internationally?

Countries like Iran and North Korea should have the right to own not only guns and weapons, including nuclear weapons, right?

One of their reasons for having an arsenal of weapons is that they may need those weapons in case someone attacks them. This is like another argument that I often hear as well; “in the case that a government may take advantage of their powers and attack civilians (ex: Marshal Law scenario), the public needs the ability to defend themselves against such an injustice and guns would help.”

There have been a few historical events where this has proven successful for some other smaller countries and areas. If the U.S. were to turn on their own people, I don’t think many personal arsenals could successfully compete with the U.S. military. Bring out the trained soldiers, armored trucks, armed aircraft, canons, tanks, missiles, and bombs and there is likely not much you can do even if you have  full automatic rifles.

I’m not condoning the idea that other countries should have nukes anytime they want, but just don’t be a hypocritical with gun rights here in America and feel that this philosophy should not apply internationally.

Back to the 2nd amendment, “The right to keep and bear arms.” Again, I’m all for this, but it shouldn’t be so easy to do this for every gun type and for everyone.

SPAMMERS are getting so good!

Posted: August 23rd, 2012 | Author:

Just got this in my email the other day. It is apparently my confirmation for a flight I never booked with American Airlines. These SPAM scammers are so clever.

At least they told me that I will be arriving in Chicago, from who knows where. Oh yeah, and I’m glad I booked 3 pieces of baggage too. I have so many things I want to take to Chicago.

If I want to use my ticket, I just might print it. Thanks for the suggestion, you are the best airline company service ever!


Category: Bird Droppings

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It’s only $2 billion!

Posted: May 15th, 2012 | Author:

The FBI is NY is opening an “inquiry” into the recent JP Morgan Chase $2 billion loss. apparently, it’s not a “criminal” case yet, so they are just wondering about it right now.

JP Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon

JP Morgan CEO, Jamie Dimon, noted last week that the bank had lost the $2 billion by making a poor investment with so-called credit derivatives. You can go read Wiki about the definition of that one. I’m not a financial expert and do not totally understand what that means or how to manage them, but if you’re JP Morgan, maybe you shouldn’t hire people like me and hire FINANCIAL EXPERTS that do understand credit derivatives!

Ina Drew, senior executive has been released from the company. Dimon said, “Drew was a “great partner, but it is appropriate that we bring in new management.” You think so Drew? Sounds like someone’s on the job market, maybe he can get a job at a new bank, like Joseph A. Banks.

Who the eff is running our financial institutions around this place? Are you going to ask for a bail-out now? I think Apple might be the only one who might be able to lose $2 billion and not be too concerned, but you’re JP Morgan.

Support your favorite repressive regime today

Posted: April 24th, 2012 | Author:

I was recently browsing the official website for North Korea ( Not only was it full of ridiculous claims and disinformation, but the link that caught my eye was the ‘shop’ link. Following the link, I was pleasantly surprised by the fact you can actually buy North Korean propaganda posters, coasters, mugs, pins, t-shirts and hats. The headline reads, “Buy merchandise and show your support for our country.” I wonder if the money goes directly into Kim Jong Un’s personal checking account he keeps for ice cream socials. Or, maybe this is a way for North Korea to generate enough capital to build their newest labor camp, one t-shirt sale at a time. All they need to do is sell 200,000 at a $5.00 profit to earn a million dollars. That should be sufficient money in order to build a 3rd world outdoor prison camp and the miles of the latest razor wire fencing required. You birdbrains out there can show your support for a sadistic government by buying a t-shirt to commemorate years of repression and suffering!

The citizens of North Korea are born into dept to the wonderful Kim Jong-il’s legacy of a thriving world class country. Unfortunately for Jong Un, I’m not sure the rest of the world is ‘buying it’. A third of North Koreans suffer from starvation due to total reliance on Kim Jong Un’s supremacy for food and rejects international aid. If your a North Korean, and you grumble to your neighbor about your life in any way, and that neighbor reports you, you and your family will end up spending the rest of your life in camp. Unlike a fun summer camp where you make macaroni necklaces and paddle canoes around with Suzy, in this camp you get to look forward to a life of depression, labor and humility.

In one camp in Yodok there are over 50,000 political prisoners. This is only one of 6 known camps. The government make the camps sound non threading  by calling them  “control zones” but once you move in, there is no coming out alive. Most recently, thousands of citizens ended up in the labor camp for not being sad enough about Kim Jong-il’s death.

If you are not rucky enough to get invited to a rabor camp, you can simply be publicly executed. What is a crime that is punishable by death in North Korea? According to Wikipedia, here’s a few; political dissidence, defection, piracy, consumption of media not approved by the government, so no Van Wilder boobie movies for Chin.

If you want to show your pride for supporting a society run by an overbearing controlling dictator who thrives off of the fear of it’s citizens, here’s the link! Buy a pin and you can happily display your support for an oppressed economy. Buy a hat and show your pride for a Nation that puts fear into peoples everyday life. Buy a mug and drink a beer to celebrate how the North Korean government forces girls into prostitution at the age of 14. Hey, it’s not Saturday, put down that beer North Korean. That’s right, North Koreans can drink, but only if it’s Saturday. So, get off your bum bum and show your support for your favorite repressive regime today!

If don’t want to support North Korea, help a North Korean refugee.


Stupid Steph

Posted: April 24th, 2012 | Author:

Here is a little story our Robbie wanted to share…

Stephanie is a total butthole foreign exchange student that lives in my dead sisters room. Her real name isn’t even really Stephanie, it’s Stupid Svetlana. We just call her Stephanie cause she has a sloppy old fashion communist Slovic name. She eats my taco bell, toaster stroodles and kebler elves. She leaves her sweaters in the bathroom after she poops. She always has the T.V.  on Animal Planet when I wanna watch Power Rangers while she eats my cheese zips. I want Steph out. One day I’m going to knock her lights out in the face with a baseball bat.

I recently participated in a taco bell sponsored community basketball event. I stuffed two turkeys going for a slam dunk, and scored a half time buzzer game winning shot. So, as my reward for being the hero of our team, ‘Angry Turds’ (I came up with that name).I received a taco bell grande, triple decker, 2 encheritos and a spicy big beef stuffed volcano burrito. I ate the spicy big beef stuffed taco, taco supreme grande, triple decker but only one of the encheritos. I put the other enchierito in the back of the fridge when I got home with my name on it, I even spelled it in big red letters, R-O-B-B-I-E. She snuck downstairs in the middle of the night and ate that, rest of my kebler elves, and my last toaster stroodle. The next morning I woke up only to find she had eaten everything I had falling asleep dreaming about. I cried her name out holding the fridge door open, “STEEEEPH!”

Stephanie is so gross. She takes big poops for 25 minutes and doesn’t turn the fan on. She grunts so hard and it gets so hot and sweaty in there, she has to take her sweater off, to relieve herself from the heat. She doesn’t wipe, flush, and leaves her sweater next to the toilet on the floor every time. Every time I go into the bathroom and there’s one of her turds in the toilet looking at me, I cry her name, “STEEEEPH!”

I come home from school to do my homework right away so I can be done in time to watch Power Rangers. WGN Cincinatti is the best channel cause they also have ‘Saved by the Bell’ and ‘Earth to Gary’.

I zip through my Trigonometry, English Lit. and Spanish homework, all in 18 minutes. Pretty good for a second year Junior in High School. Anyways, I run into the family room and Stupid Slovic Stephanie is hogging the remote control watching ‘Animal Police’ on fancy cable, eating my cheese zips my mom bought for me. I screamed at her,”why dont you eat boiled cabbage and bread like your used to eating, STEEEEEEPH!”

My sister died cause she got bit by a snake in Wisconsin so then Stupid Steph moved in. She eats my taco bell. She poops gross poops. She hoggs the remote. I want her out.

One day I’m going to hit her with a baseball bat in the face.

– Robbie

Category: Bird Droppings

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A bird on the head is worth five years of probation

Posted: March 28th, 2012 | Author:

A 49-year-old man in Grand Junction Colorado “accidentally” shot a 23-year-old woman in the head when he misidentified her mohawk as a possible fowl that had been harassing his cats. The woman was apparently resting on a hill, possible sleeping when the man fired at her. Soon after the shot was fired, he heard a moaning noise coming from the woman, not from her mohawk. The man had been sentenced to 5 years probation and it is believed the woman, who may have been a transient, did not suffer any life threatening injuries and could not be reached to testify as she may have left Colorado.


Robbing banks with nukes?

Posted: March 2nd, 2012 | Author:

In Washington DC, a man has successfully robbed four banks by slipping a note to the tellers indicating that he will detonate a nuclear bomb if they don’t hand over the cash.

So, I understand that the banks’ protocols probably require the teller to hand over the money and oblige to the robber’s demands for their own safety, but come on. You think this guy really has the capability to even possess a nuke? Where the hell would he even keep it?

Iran is still trying to get their nuclear program started after several years, and attempting to get on one the black-market would take a lot more money than he is robbing. Sh!t, if you have a nuke, why rob a bank? Don’t you just rob a whole country at that point? Ask Dr. Evil what he would do. But hey, this robber has been successful, he must be da’ bomb!

1 trillion dollar no-fly-zone

Posted: January 31st, 2012 | Author:

The infamous 1 trillion dollar fighter jet (yes: $1,000,000,000.00) has been grounded…again. This time around, it was recently realized that the ejection seat parachutes were packed the wrong way. It was noted that it necessarily wouldn’t prevent the pilot from successfully ejecting, but it could prevent the pilot from landing in the correct and safe position. This was a result of “improper drafting of packing procedures.” I can see if you accidentally put a battery in the wrong direction and mix up the positive and negative terminals, but I would think a parachute would likely have a little more differentiation and clarity of how it should be installed. If not, then there is a BIG problem in the ejection seat parachute industry.

Did I note that this plane cost a trillion dollars? For that price it should have a parachute with a mini fighter jet attached to it.

One of the previous grounding was due to a computer malfunction that affected the cockpit climate system. That climate control system better have heated seats and heated missile launching buttons!

I’m glad to see that our ginormous military budget is being well spent with highly qualified contractors. You know how many veterans you could have provided health and living support for with that amount of cash? And guess what, they only want a happy life after serving our country, risking life and limb and family. But then they come back and get a pat on the back, because the military doesn’t have the budget to spend for post-war care of veterans.