» Asshawk of the Month

Asshawk of the Month November 2013

Posted: November 15th, 2013 | Author:

And the winner is: Toronto Mayor, Rob Ford!

Who has admitted to heavy drinking and using drugs..not just weed, but crack! And then he refused to resign from his position as Mayor of a city. There were many protests form the public requesting that he resign with no success. Politicians are awesome! Even in Canada.

Need I say more?

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford

Asshawk of the Month!

Asshawk of the Month May 2013

Posted: May 17th, 2013 | Author:

Abercrombie & Douche

Abercrombie & Fitch’s CEO Mike Jeffries is almost as douchey as their products. 7-years ago, he stated some pretty offensive comments regarding their marketing strategy. Simply, Abercrombie doesn’t make plus sizes in their clothes, because they do not want “fat” people wearing and representing their brand. He also hinted that only “cool” people wear Abercrombie & Fitch, so they try to make it accessible to these “cool” people. This extends into their practices of burning their lightly damaged products (seconds) instead of donating them like many other clothing brands do.

Your brand is crap, your clothes are lack luster and mundane, the ideology and image you represent is impractical and unnatural, just like your face.

Come on Mike… take a look at yourself. You’re not Mr. Glamourous you botoxed-up, plasticized freak. Sure, you may fit in your clothes, but the only piece of attire that would enhance your appearance would be a mask. Do you guys make those? On a positive note, you might have a future opportunity in a remake of The Goonies.


Asshawk of the Month May 2011

Posted: May 23rd, 2011 | Author:

Harold Camping!

Congratulations Harold Camping, you’re the Asshawk of the Month for May 21, 2011. Just think, you were so close at avoiding it, but as I issue it on this 22 day of May 2011, you really are starting to look like a little bitch!

Yes, the 89 year old religious fundamentalist who predicted that 4pm on May 21, 2011 was going to be “judgement day” and the world was to come to an end… again. I’m not sure if that was supposed to be Eastern Standard time or not.

This was a tough Asshawk of the Month to judge, because Arnold Schwarzenegger was a close runner up. But since this whole “End of the Wolrd” thing was known as “Judgement Day,” we kind of killed two asshawks with one stone. Terminator 2 was also called Judgement Day and Mr. Arnold starred in that. And like Camping’s predicted May 21 end of the apocalypse, I feel that there will be a sequel to his series of predictions. Oh wait, this was the sequel, he had predicted the end of the world back in 1994 as well.

Asshawk of the Month July 2010

Posted: July 1st, 2010 | Author:

There’s no surprise here… The Asshawk of the month for July is:

British Petroleum!

Ok, this one is long, because I am very passionate about the bullsh!t that has ensued in the past 70+ days with one of the worse disasters in history on this earth! I try to keep it short, and you ‘ll see by the length of this post, that BP is o upsetting to me, that I actually a crap load, but nowhere near the mount of oil leaking into the Gulf of Mexico.

You idiotic, ignorant, inconsiderate, money hording, greedy son of a bitches (yes, talking about your moms!). Whoever works with you, and had anything to do with breeding such stupid human beings is also granted Asshawk of the Month. I’m throwing Dick Chaney and Halliburton in this mix too!

It’s been over 70 days, and you’re still telling me your “top” scientist and engineers cannot come up with a successful solution to this horrendous oil spill disaster? Suck it up, literally. James Cameron couldn’t come up with anything, maybe Dyson can make a vacuum that has a ball that can suck some oil out of the sea.

With all of your failed attempts and billion dollars spent (which was the peoples’ money until oil prices went soaring sky high with the middle east war as an invalid scapegoat), you’re telling me you cannot come up with a solution to at least pump the leaking oil into containers or tankers until you find a viable solution to this leak? Sure, you would be sucking up sea water along with your “precious” oil, but it is YOUR responsibility to correct this issue.

Now, if I had a leaking toilet that was spitting up raw sewage into my bathroom, and I had no way to shut off the leak, don’t you think I would at least get some buckets, rags, perhaps a sump pump to pump all of the Sh!t backing up and spewing all over the floor? I would hope you would do the same, or you probably enjoying wallowing in your own crap.

I believe you have oil tankers that can hold thousands of barrels worth of oil, so start filling them up. Now, where will you dispose of all of this sea water diluted oil? For all I care you can dump it in the backyard of your luxurious estates.

You have NO idea what and WHO you are effecting! Not only is the whole Gulf of Mexico screwed, including the sea life, birds and other natural life, but the fishermen that made their lives around the waters around there. The restaurants that those fishermen provided for. The hotels and beach businesses that hosted the millions of dollars of tourism now lost. There are SO MANY people, communities, businesses (large and small), that are going to be hit very hard, and unfortunately, will be overlooked or more or less, uncovered by the media/news. And that is only the beginning. The domino effect that will happen will grow exponentially, from depreciation of real estate value, health and the decline of local economies is simply unprecedented and you are planning nothing to help.

Where the hell is the aid and help for all of these people? This isn’t a hurricane or an earthquake, but sh!t, these people will need help! The economy down there has already been hit hard with Katrina, and now this! The sad thing is that this was highly preventable, but due to a bunch of non responsible companies involved with the rig, nobody will be penalized.

Sure, BP stock is falling, but that just means another oil company will most likely snatch them up and they will recover. I wouldn’t be surprised if they filed for bankruptcy then the heads start a new company that ends up buying BP and changing the name to try to erase this tarnished disaster from the public’s eye.

Congratulations BP! You make all of the other Asshawks of the Month look like brilliant angels. Since I didn’t reward anyone for June last month, you also win that award too.

All I got to say is that I will NEVER buy products from BP EVER again!

Asshawk of the Month May 2010

Posted: May 19th, 2010 | Author:

Congrats Mr. John Lyons!

You’re the
Asshawk of the Month May 2010!

Why you may ask?
Well here is what some of your friends told us to help nominate you:

  • Awarded “Rad Dad” in 2009
  • Plays on what was supposed to be an ALL GIRLS soccer team.
  • Chugs wife and beats beer.
  • 38 years old and getting grey pubes.
  • Nick Name on street is salt and pepper.
  • English professor at Arapahoe Community College, but can barely read or write.
  • Loves skiboarding, black dudes, and white wine… all at the same time.
  • Once got busy in a Burger King bathroom just like Humpty Dumpty (Digital Underground) did, but with mayo.
  • Poured beer on his bare dick in Breckenridge one night.
  • Has summer plans to see Lady Gaga in concert at Pepsi Center.
  • Dresses up in leopard print dresses – possibly one of the outfits he may wear to the Lady Gaga show.

Asshawk of the Month April 2010

Posted: April 4th, 2010 | Author:

Guess who it is?

Mr. Jesse James!

Not only did you cheat on your hot ass Oscar Award winning wife, Sandra Bullock, but you cheated on her with some nasty-ass tattooed forehead, alien lookin, slut bag stripper.

Sure , you can build some sick-ass bikes, but come on. Bullock loved you and took care of YOUR kids that YOU had with YOUR former porn star wife and this is how you repay her!

Sure, time to check into therapy right? That will make it all better. When is the public apology going to take place? I got it, you can set it up at Score’s.

Thanks to Southpark, we all know that this is an uncontrollable disease spell that alien wizards cast on successful, rich, famous men, so maybe therapy might help.

If Michelle McGee was worthy, I would make her an AM too, but I don’t really care about her, but for those who have not see the inked up mistress, here;s a shot of her. Yes, that is a tat on her forehead. She even had photo shoot where she was dressed up as a slut Nazi.

Asshawk of the Month November 2009

Posted: December 16th, 2009 | Author:

Well ,well, well. I wasn’t sure if I should award this to the Secret Service or to the actual “White House Party Crashers.” I’m going to go for the WH Party Crashers!

Tareq and Michaele Salahi, Congratulations, you are the Asshawks of the Month for November!

White house party crashers

Now, I applaud the fact that you got into such as restricted and secured place. The White House for god sake was a ballsy move. You have some convincing stories to defend your actions, but you can’t fool me. If you’re going to lie about stuff, learn how to lie! Keep off the radar, especially from reality TV shows in your past. We saw how that worked out for the Balloon Boy crew.

Plus, if you were going to crash a party like that, you seriously going to post some pics on Facebook? There’s a thing called evidence! And not only are you publicizing it all over the place, there’s more evidence spilling out from the “associates” you dealt with, like emails, phone calls, etc., everyday. Well at least Tiger Woods took over the headlines, now you are simply “yesterday’s news.”

Yes, I issued this award in December, because I am an asshawk myself.

Asshawk of the Month December 2009

Posted: December 16th, 2009 | Author:

OOoooooh! Mr. Perfection, smoothness, distinguished, cool cat, money making shaft swingin’mutha luva! Yeah, I’m talking to you


tiger woods portrait

Wipe that white-ass smile off your face! After all of these years swinging clubs, playing on different greens, getting in the rough, don’t you know you should’ve washed your balls!

I’m not denying the fact that you are one of the greatest golfers ever, and you make a crap load of cash. You have been portrayed as a very innocent and wholesome athlete and public figure, but your skeletons are slowly falling out of your mega super walk-in closet.

You know cheating on your wife and family wasn’t nice. Nor was it a good idea, no matter how popular you are, but you? You are one famous-ass golfer, and you thought this wouldn’t come out?

Well, it is your personal life and I think the paparazzi and tabloids need to lay off, but I need t award you Asshawk of the Month for December 2009!

Congrats Tiger! In the words of our pal Tony, You’re Grrrrreat!

That’s A Rap!

Posted: December 1st, 2009 | Author:

Jereme Rogers is an extremely talented skateboarder who decided to retire from it professionally to pursue a career in the music industry. Here is a look at how bad things turned out for him.


Chimpanzee Ridin’ Dirty

Posted: November 10th, 2009 | Author:

There is not too much to say about this one except for what the fuck?