Asshawk.com » Critical

iStupid ass iClothing

Posted: May 26th, 2010 | Author:

This is just sofa king we todd did!

Sure the iPad is selling like hot cakes and is a pretty awesome device, but you don’t need to carry it around like it was a joey and you were some type of digital hipster marsupial.

The iPad is similar to the size of a notebook or magazine, and you know what? No clothing company went out of their way to make a stupid-ass $45 T-shirt with a single big pocket on the front to carry it, so why would you make one now? Plus the iPad has some weight to it, so stashing it in your front pocket is only going to sag your T and make you look like you have a rectangular hard on poking out of your pants!

And girls, seriously? If you wear that hideous dress and actually put an iPad in it you should just put a helmet on to match.

Just don’t make stupid Sh!t!

Check out the iClothing site here – and NO! I’m not going to be your friend, fan or follow your stupid-ass on Twitter:

http://www.iclothing.com.au

Rogers back. Still can skate, but sucks at singing.

Posted: May 11th, 2010 | Author:

Jereme Rogers still sucks at singing, MC’ing or whatever you call that. Also, just because you can sit on the hood of a Aston Martin Vantage, doesn’t mean you’re a bad-ass R&B/Hip Hop singer.

Props on the skating though. You got that going for ya. But didn’t you already quit your day job?

iPad coming to a low budget movie near you!

Posted: April 2nd, 2010 | Author:

There has been a lot of hype around Apple’s new iPad. Which is not surprising, as Apple’s new devices usually draw crowds and lines out the door, and the iPad will most likely follow suit.

Some questions have been raised about the need and demand of a device like the iPad.

“Who is going to use this?
Where will they use it?
How will they use it?”

Especially when it is a device which lies in a purgatory between mobile phone and laptop.

We here at Asshawk, feel that the iPad will get a lot of use masked behind movie set designs and used as futuristic interfaces for low budget movies that do not have the resources or time to build custom spacecraft dashboards, high-tech security systems, and futuristic home appliances. That stuff can cost hundreds of thousands of dollars to try to achieve the systems seen in movies like Iron Man and Avatar.

Why do that, when you could build a basic website or even a Quicktime movie and just run it on an iPad easily and inexpensively to simulate some super duper mega computer mainframe matrix server farm system.

Example:
Laser Cats could have a video teleconference with Lorne Michaels right in this elevator and touch his face!

before:

after:

The Rock Fairy

Posted: October 10th, 2009 | Author:

The Rock Fairy

Former Wrestler, The Rock, has been taking up roles in Hollywood lately. You may have seen some of his movies in the past, or if you’re like me, you were probably clipping your toe nails instead.

Well, The Rock is about to come out in one of the best movies of 2009! Tooth Fairy!
the rock

From the crappy preview, it appears that The Rock plays a stereotypical Tough-ass Testosterone Hockey Player who goes around bullying anyone in his path and ruining childrens’ dreams and playing women.

The guilt trip catches up to him when he almost ruins a close child’s belief in the Tooth Fairy and then is confronted by a Tooth Fairy who then turns him into one. He is then thrown into the mini life of a tooth fairy and has to deal with the challenges of a tooth fairy… yeah, that’s what I said. So, after he is fed up with the cats and kids, he starts tooth fairy’ing his own way and pads up like he was an Enforcer with wings and tights on the ice. He gets his chance to add his own little Hockey flare to the Tooth Fairy lifestyle and just starts tearing it up.

Oh yeah, there’s a cameo by “double pits to chesty” Ryan Sheckler. Dude, you got some skate skills, but your marketing and casting choices are whack! Don’t you make enough money already?
sheckler

I wish this dude was in it.. he would slap The Rock in the face with those pliers and then sit on his head.
fairy

Straight up – NO Talons! Not even a pigeon toe!

Category: Movie Reviews

No Comments »
Admin:


Transformers 2: less than meets the eye

Posted: July 11th, 2009 | Author:

After much delay and debate about seeing h new Transformers 2 movie, Rise of The Fallen, I finally saw shelled out for a matinee viewing.

I’ve heard mixed feeling from critics and friends alike. There have bee very poor reviews by credible critics. Yet, it is number 1 at the box office. Please note that being number 1 does NOT necessarily mean it is good. Usually it has good marketing.

rise of the fallen


To the point:

Michael Bay definitely does not disappoint in the explosion department, there was plenty of pyrotechnics to heat up the action. I’m going to deviate from the questionable realistic aspect since this is a Hollywood movie with transforming robots based off of an animated series.

I want to know who thought it was a good idea to put the cheesey one-liners and characters in this type of action movie. I realize when children are a large demographic that adding “fun & humor” is practical. But, this movie was ridiculous!
From the whack-ass twin transformer characters which were pretty much a pair of Autobot Jar-Jar Binks with poorly imitated street slang dialogue as if they were white suburban kids attempting to be hard with terms like “dawg, phat, dat-ass,” to the leg humping remote controlled truck Decepticon pet.

The classic Constructicons were featured and formed the super robot Devestator. This was getting exciting until they displayed his wrecking ball scrotum!

I’m not sure if this movie will help GM get off their feet. The Corvette concept finally looks like a super car. The Camero (Bumble Bee) is not new anymore, but it does perform great compared to other muscle cars. And the other vehicles are not that impressive. Of course the Audi R8 (Sideways) had a brief cameo and those aren’t bad at all.

Alright, I’m don wasting my time on this movie review.

I give it 3 talons, just because of the special effects and CGI weren’t that bad. Acting wasn’t awful but wasn’t great, and the girls were hot.

Category: Critical

No Comments »
Admin:


Cap-sac – fanny pack for your head

Posted: July 3rd, 2009 | Author:

Alright, I thought the fanny pack was gone. Someone thought that if the trend to have a sack around your fanny or waist wasn’t in still, then maybe putting it on your head would be the next best thing.

Yes, that is a zippered pocket on the front to store your personal items like your buttons, thimbles, and coupons.

So this is the fanny pack for your head? So you’re calling your customers butt-heads?

Sorry to say, but Cap-Sacs are not the new black, brown, or denim. This is about as good as the Snuggie. If you own one of those, then you’ll probably get one of these.

Aside from the stupid concept, the fashionable style, or lack of, this product will not only take you back to the 80’s, but it will take you back to a time when you got your ass kicked for wearing crap like this.

Just because you give a product some retro colors and styling does not mean that it will be hot. Plus, the whole retro 80’s trend is exactly that, a trend. Don’t start basing your whole company on a trend (i.e. Crocs – current stock: 3.21).

By the way, 1990 called and wants it’s intro website page back. If you’re building a Flash site, you don’t need this ridiculous intro page anymore.

This thing gets 1 Talon out of 5!
Billy Mays would be quite disappointed about this product.
R.I.P. Billy Mays!

Category: Product Review

No Comments »
Admin:


GM 2 seater Segway – seriously?

Posted: April 7th, 2009 | Author:

Need I say more?

GM thinks that if they team up with Segway and create a 2 seater version of the existing mall cop ride of choice, this may bring them back on the map as a successful automaker.

Don’t you see that the only people who benefited from the original Segway are mall cops and other security guards? Do your damn homework and research! Nobody really want a Segway, even if it is environmentally sound.

It is expected to get 35 miles per charge and go 35 mph. The estimated cost is supposed to be a quarter of a typical automobile. So probably around $3,000-$5,000 to look like this guy:
segway 2 seater

Category: Critical

No Comments »
Admin:


Mall Cop Movie Review with Country

Posted: March 17th, 2009 | Author:

So I told myself that I wouldn’t see that stupid f@#king movie mall cop, but it ended up at my house and I had watched everything else, so I put it in.

Where to start with this horrible f@#king movie. kevin James is somehow on television, and it pisses me off that people would pay hard earned money to sit and watch this fat f@#ker not be funny for an hour and a half. It’s also great that Mike Vallely makes a great cameo with his wonderful acting skills as a bad ass skateboarding robber.

They have the balls to throw in stupid stunts during chase scenes which is always a winner for a movie of this low caliber. So, I know none of my friends would see this movie (Jordan), but if you get the chance please punch Kevin James right in the balls.

This movie goes down as one of the all time worst

I give this movie 1 dried-up talon, because no talons would leave a nub, which actually sounds better!

Love,
Country (Marsalis)

Category: Movie Reviews

No Comments »
Admin:


Operacíon Repo – WTFTRUTV!

Posted: December 15th, 2008 | Author:

I happen to stumble upon one of the best TV shows into American culture. A very inspiring portal into the real, or shall I say “actual,” (Not Reality, Actuality) life of the hard working men and women of this dwindling economy who are losing their vehicles to the repo man… in this case, repo men and women, I think.

This would be a great time to play Repo Man from The Coup – from the original Genocide & Juice. – Just a shout out to Boots and the crew.

Back to the show.
So, I witnessed thugs about to throw down on the repo crew in Compton, a crazy screaming girl who wouldn’t let go of her early 2000’s Honda Accord, A man who twitched and then fell into an epileptic seizure when they started hooking up, and some red necks who thought that a rake would prevent the repo crew from taking their tractor. If that’s not enough to have you plan for a family evening around the television set Monday evenings, then you need to see the episode where they mace a lady who was getting her car repo’d in front of the salon she worked at. Her boss came out and was pissed she missed her payments, and even fired her on the spot.

I give this show 4 out of 5 talons, because you have to watch it to believe this crap is going on, and I ended up watching 3 episodes in a row!

The best part of the show is that they were able to get the Sally Struthers Southpark character to play Sonia Pizarro, one of the founders of the Repo company and sister to Lou Pizarro, who helps head up repo missions.

Here are shots of her previous television appearance on Southpark:

You would think she would change up her make-up and wardrobe for another show, but…

Category: Television reviews

1 Comment »
Admin:


Slathe Tshirts!

Posted: November 29th, 2008 | Author:

We recently came across this T-shirt printing sites called Skreened.com . It is one of those online resources where users can upload their designs and create their own shirt.

An old friend, nicknamed “The Penguin bud,” had finally sent a notification about the new release of the Slathe T-shirts. I was very excited to see the Slathe in action.

I went to the site, http://skreened.com/slathe, and to my disappointment, the Slathe has been altered! WTF! The Slathe on this shirt looks too good. way too streamlined, it actually looks fast!

And what’s with the flag-like bars in the background. Are you trying to be all “graphic designy.” Did you get a faux-hawk with that Adobe Illustrator? I got an idea, why don’t you throw some splatters with some silhouettes of vines, leafs and slutty chicks with high heels! You took something simple and amazing, then you added that ad agency feel to it. actually it looks like some album cover of an indie emo group that wanted something catchy and unique. “Make it look retro or something simple mod-contemporary.” Come on man… the Slathe has a heritage of authenticity and integrity that goes way beyond this “Threadless wannabe” site.

Actually, now that I’m looking at it without my blindfold, it actually is pretty tight…. or shall I say “muy bién!” So, I will give this design 4 out of 5 talons, but I really have 8… I’m saving the other 3 in case I see something I really enjoy.

Skreened.com isn’t that shabby either. I think we’ll make some asshawk shirts and sell them for millions of pesos!

Category: Product Review

No Comments »
Admin: