Asshawk.com

Robbing banks with nukes?

Posted: March 2nd, 2012 | Author:

In Washington DC, a man has successfully robbed four banks by slipping a note to the tellers indicating that he will detonate a nuclear bomb if they don’t hand over the cash.

So, I understand that the banks’ protocols probably require the teller to hand over the money and oblige to the robber’s demands for their own safety, but come on. You think this guy really has the capability to even possess a nuke? Where the hell would he even keep it?

Iran is still trying to get their nuclear program started after several years, and attempting to get on one the black-market would take a lot more money than he is robbing. Sh!t, if you have a nuke, why rob a bank? Don’t you just rob a whole country at that point? Ask Dr. Evil what he would do. But hey, this robber has been successful, he must be da’ bomb!

1 trillion dollar no-fly-zone

Posted: January 31st, 2012 | Author:

The infamous 1 trillion dollar fighter jet (yes: $1,000,000,000.00) has been grounded…again. This time around, it was recently realized that the ejection seat parachutes were packed the wrong way. It was noted that it necessarily wouldn’t prevent the pilot from successfully ejecting, but it could prevent the pilot from landing in the correct and safe position. This was a result of “improper drafting of packing procedures.” I can see if you accidentally put a battery in the wrong direction and mix up the positive and negative terminals, but I would think a parachute would likely have a little more differentiation and clarity of how it should be installed. If not, then there is a BIG problem in the ejection seat parachute industry.

Did I note that this plane cost a trillion dollars? For that price it should have a parachute with a mini fighter jet attached to it.

One of the previous grounding was due to a computer malfunction that affected the cockpit climate system. That climate control system better have heated seats and heated missile launching buttons!

I’m glad to see that our ginormous military budget is being well spent with highly qualified contractors. You know how many veterans you could have provided health and living support for with that amount of cash? And guess what, they only want a happy life after serving our country, risking life and limb and family. But then they come back and get a pat on the back, because the military doesn’t have the budget to spend for post-war care of veterans.

NBC Fears Fear Factor Donkey Challenge

Posted: January 30th, 2012 | Author:

NBC’s stunt show, Fear Factor, seems to be getting their ideas from the Jackass crew. One of their episodes featured a challenge where contestants had to chug a glass of fresh donkey semen!

Mmmmm. Ice cold Beer and a PiƱa Colada? Nope, fresh donkey urine and semen!

Currently, NBC has put a hold on the episode and is noting a rerun in place of it. Ahhh, cum on NBC, don’t get all choked up over this. It’s a new generation of TV viewers, a new day, different strokes. Giving the episode the shaft is just nuts! You need to stay ahead of the game and other networks and get the ball rolling on this.

Ok, it may not beat out the brilliance of 30Rock, but it should provide the quality broadcasting that NBC is known for.

Boo’s Cruise

Posted: January 27th, 2012 | Author:

Costa Concordia, the cruise company behind the recent capsized cruise ship incident in Italy, has recently announced that it will provide some compensation to the surviving victims. No, we’re not talking about a refund, we’re looking at a whopping 30% off their next cruise! Yay!

That is such a fair and practical form of compensation for passengers that nearly met their fate in the water during what was supposed to be an exciting and fun holiday adventure. I bet they can’t wait to get back out in the water, especially with the very same cruise line that had extremely poorly trained staff and management for handling emergency situations. And wow, a whole 30% off! This isn’t a KMart appliance sale you f’ing idiots!

I’m so disappointed in this, I’m going to stop writing and go back to watching Alvin & The Chipmunks Chip Wrecked.

note: after this post was created, the cruise company did decide to provide a cash incentive to the victims involved, but the nerve they had to offer the initial 30% off their next cruise was just a big-asshwak insult.

Explore the Colorado Foothills with Sute Dawg

Posted: January 21st, 2012 | Author:

A good friend and nature enthusiast, Sute Dawg, has released his latest nature documentary which explores the Colorado foothills and the wild life within. This film features amazing footage and commentary into the rarely witnessed wild side of mother nature and the front rage of colorful Colorado, from birds, plants & trees, to mammals and predators.

That’s Life…cereal

Posted: January 19th, 2012 | Author:

I do have experience in advertising & marketing, and I know that it is risky to use photos of people in certain implementations, because of the possibility that the photos can be interpreted as representing a racist perspective.

Usually that is a very far stretch from the true intention of the image usage, and is simply just an interpretation. But, when you have an image with additional context of why and where the image of people are being used, then it gets a little less subjective and more direct.

For instance, Life cereal has a couple flavors of their popular breakfast treat, but it is a little odd that for the Maple & Brown sugar, they have chosen to use a photo of children with a dark-skin ethnicity. From a design perspective, it does goes well with the darker color palette, but when you have light-skinned children on the lighter box (cinnamon flavor), then it really starts conveying a little more direct message about your company, especially when your product is called “LIFE.” Now, it’s not as blatant as having some asian children on the yellow box, but close enough. Oh well, that’s ‘Rife!

Cry Baby Packers fan

Posted: January 18th, 2012 | Author:

Ooooohhh! Poor baby.

Your team lost and you’re still wearing cheese on your head… and who knows where else.

Hippo Shart

Posted: January 14th, 2012 | Author:

Get that hippo some gas-x!

Category: Birdwatching

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Romney disses Medical Marijuana patient

Posted: January 13th, 2012 | Author:

The Republicans sure have an All-Star line-up this Presidential election don’t they.

You’re such an Asshawk Romney!

Midget Wrestling

Posted: January 13th, 2012 | Author:

Poor little guy. All it took was a little bump to the head and then the dude gets tossed. Midgets will never get old.

 

SNAKES.

Category: Uncategorized

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